Adam and Eve, a humor story by Colin Williams, is one of the most hilarious humorous short stories I have read ever - but for the discerning reader there may be some deeper philosophical insights here too ...

Adam woke up, scratched his backside and stared out over the garden of Eden.

“Another boring day,” he groaned. “Another day wandering about paradise, eating fruit, staring at beautiful flowers, being good. Oh, it’s so boring! Surely there’s meant to be more to life than this? And is it normal to talk to oneself? Having nobody to ask - I can’t tell.”

Adam stared up at the cloudless, azure sky, and sighed.

A flock of brightly coloured birds swooped and dived overhead catching Adam’s attention. The birds circled around lazily before alighting on the branch of a tree close to Adam.

Adam was about to leave - to pick his breakfast from the fruit trees - when a thought crossed his mind. He studied the birds. The two largest birds sat side by side - on a lower branch sat several much younger birds.

Adam frowned in puzzlement. “Where did those younger birds come from? And wherever they came from - how did they get here? I wonder if God makes the new birds and sneaks them in here under the cover of darkness. I’ll have to ask Him when he next turns up.”

With a dismissive shrug, Adam turned his back on the birds and set off for the banana tree - his favourite.

Sitting with his back to the trunk of the tree, Adam unpeeled his seventh banana and stared out over the orchard.

The peaceful setting was suddenly disrupted when two monkeys raced into the orchard, chattering and screaming.

Adam ceased chewing as he watched the larger of the two monkeys chase the smaller one. Screeching loudly, they raced up and down the trees, in and out, around and around, until finally, the larger monkey caught the smaller one and grabbed hold of it tightly.

Mesmerised, Adam watched the larger animal as it climbed onto the back of its mate. Frowning, Adam dropped his banana and got to his feet. Treading carefully, he moved closer to the two animals.

What are they doing? Adam wondered. Whatever it is - it looks like fun. They seem to be enjoying it - whatever it is.

Creeping even closer, Adam hid behind a tree and peered out at the two animals.

As Adam watched the strange behaviour of the two monkeys, he felt a strange sensation in the pit of his stomach. With a glazed look in his eyes - his hand moved down to his belly.... He’d experienced this sensation once before .... he cast his mind back. Nodding to himself at the recalled memory, Adam turned away in search of some large leaves. He would need them - the pain in his stomach - the returned memory - too many bananas for breakfast!

For the fourth time, Adam came out from the bushes rubbing his painful stomach with a groa more agitated he became. He knew that sleep would not come easily that night.

It was the middle of the night, and Adam was still pacing up and down outside his cave.

Suddenly, a bright shaft of light shone down on him, and a voice thundered out his name.

“Adam! I see you have a troubled mind.”

Adam covered his eyes and looked down at the ground. “Lord? Is that you?”

“Who were you expecting?” thundered God.

Adam fell to the ground prostrate.

“Tell me what troubles your thoughts, Adam.”

“Well Lord, I....”

“You what?” urged the one from upon high.

“I’m... I saw two monkeys today and...”

“Oh! Is that all. Well don’t let it bother you. I expect you’ll see more of them before your time is through.”

“Yes, Lord. But...”

The light went out and darkness reigned once more.

Adam peeked out from under his arm. He struggled to his feet and stared up at the starry sky.

“Oy!” yelled Adam. “I hadn’t finished what I was say...”

The light reappeared.

Adam resumed the flat out on the ground position.

“Sorry about that Adam. I’m a little distracted today. Wondering where to go next with this creation of mine. Think I’m suffering a bit of Creators block. Never mind, I guess I’ll think of something sooner or later.”

Adam moved to a kneeling position but kept his eyes averted from the light’s presence. “Lord? I am sorely troubled and confused.”

There was a moments silence.

“Why Adam? What have you got to worry about? Just eat, drink, sleep and be good. That’s all you have to do.”

“Yes, Lord. Er, I’m very grateful and all that... but...”

“But?” thundered the Almighty. “You dare to ‘but’?”

Adam trembled. “No Lord. I daren’t.”

“That’s all right then.”

Adam took a deep breath. “Well, actually I do...”

The world shook with a supernatural sigh. “What is it, Adam?”

“As I was saying Lord, I saw two monkeys today and they were... Well, to be honest I...”

“You’d better be honest with me Adam. I would be mightily mis-pleased if you weren’t”

“Yes, of course,” grovelled Adam. “Anyway, those animals were doing something and I....”

“I wondered when we’d get around to this,” sighed the Lord. “Human nature I guess.”

“All I want,” said Adam, “is... I don’t know what exactly - but I feel I need someone - someone to do unto them what those animals do unto one another.”

“Mmmm,” responded the light. “You know that you might regret your decision later on, don’t you?”

Adam shook his head. “No! I won’t. I’m sure I won’t.”

“Perhaps,” replied the Almighty, “perhaps it is time I continued with the plans. All right Adam. Go to sleep and when you awake you will no longer be alone.”

Adam leapt to his feet and wrung his hands. “Oh, thank you Lord! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”

“Enough grovelling Adam! Now go and sleep.”

“I’m going, Lord. Right now.”

“It’s me! Now shift yourself. Have you seen the state of this place? Doesn’t look like its ever been cleaned. And where’s my breakfast? Eh? Eh?”

Adam opened his eyes and stared at the naked female who stood in the centre of the cave with her hands planted on her hips.

“Just look at the cobwebs up there!” she cried, staring upwards.

“Wow! Look at the size of those!” exclaimed Adam, admiring his mate’s body. “Well don’t just sit there gawking at them,” snapped the female. “Go and fetch me something to brush them with!”

Adam scratched his head. “Huh?”

“Them damned cobwebs!”

“Oh, right.... cobwebs. Yes, I’ll...”

Without taking his eyes from her body, Adam walked backwards out of the cave. Outside, in the garden, he whooped out loud and punched the air. “Yes! Yes! Yes!” he yelled.

Some time later, Adam returned. His arms were laden with fruit of every kind. Walking into the cave he carefully laid down his burden and rushed back outside. A moment later he returned with a broken off branch from an orange tree. He held the branch out to his female.

“What’s that?” whined the woman.

“Well its...” Adam smiled broadly. “It’s for you.”

The woman sneered. “What? You think you can win me over with that? I want flowers. And in a bunch! You hear me? Eh?”

Adam frowned. “I thought....” he glanced up at the cobwebs. “I thought you wanted to...”

The woman stabbed a finger at the cave’s entrance. “Go on! Go and fetch me flowers. Now!”

Muttering loudly, Adam went back out to search for flowers.

-----------------

The flowers he offered the woman were not satisfactory. He’d picked all yellow ones - she wanted pink.

Scratched and torn from many thorns, the roses he offered were finally accepted.

“Find me something sweet,” she’d said.

Adam, covered with bee stings, returned holding triumphantly aloft a dripping comb of honey.

“Don’t drip that all over my freshly cleaned floor!” was the grateful response. “And if you think I’m sleeping on that hard rock over there - you’ve got another think coming. Find me something soft to stuff some rolled up leaves with. And fetch me some leaves to roll up with while your about it!”

With a sigh. Adam stared longingly at his woman’s nakedness before he set off once again.

Several hours later, Adam staggered back into the cave - carrying a bundle of monkey’s fur that he fought so valiantly for.

“Put it down over there,” ordered the woman. “Now, then... Where’s the water in this place?”

Adam’s shoulders drooped. “Water?”

“Yes, water! I want a bath. Fetch me some water.”

“What’s a bath?” asked Adam.

“See that hollowed out rock over there? Well I’ve decided that it will be a bath. No go - fetch water!”

Adam was losing his patience. Normally he was a placid and patient man, never lost his cool and never swore - until now. With his eyes scanning her naked form he shook his head. “Eeee, f...” he caught himself just in time from uttering a profanity. He took a deep breath and turned around.

“Call that enough given me.”

Shuffling closer to the bath, Adam swallowed nervously. “Name? What name?”

“Eeeef. It does have a certain ring to it I must say.”

Totally baffled, Adam simply smiled. “As long as you are happy my sweet honeycomb - then I am too.”

While Eeeef bathed, Adam drooled.

When Eeeef dried herself on the leaves, Adam’s knees turned to jelly. With glowing skin, Eeeef stood in the centre of the cave and asked Adam to comb her hair with his fingers.

Adam willingly obeyed. With fingers trembling and shaking he ran his fingers through her long blonde hair.

“Why are you so nervous?” asked Eeeef.

“Because you are so beautiful,” replied Adam with a shaky voice. Eeeef smiled coyly. “Fancy me do you?”

Embarrassed, Adam glanced down. “That obvious huh?”

Eeeef frowned. “What’s obvious?”

Adam, blushing furiously glanced down at himself. “You know...”

Eeeef shook her head. “I’m sorry but I haven’t a clue what you are on about. You’ll have to fill me in.”

A wave of dizziness passed over Adam.

“Well speak to me!” snapped Eeeef.

Adam swallowed several times. He pointed down at himself. “This! You’ve done this to me. It’s never happened before.”

Eeeef giggled. “Fibber. It’s been like that ever since you got up this morning!”

Adam closed his eyes to hide his embarrassment. “Look, Eeeef. I’ve er seen what the monkeys and horses and other animals do. And I was wondering....?”

Eeeef frowned. “Wondered?”

“Yes. I wondered if I might....?”

“Might what?”

“You know!”

Eeeef shook her head. “Nope. You’ve lost me again.”

“I wondered if I might ... you know .... like the monkeys do.”

Eeeef shrugged. “You could try, but I don’t think they’ll let you. Have you seen how many bald monkeys there are out there? All that fur you ripped them off with .... not a happy bunch are they.”

Adam stamped his foot. “Eeeee Fu....”

“What my precious? Hey! What’s your name anyhow?”

“Me? My name? Adam.”

Eeeef smiled seductively. “Tell you what, Adam. If you go out there into the garden right now and pick me a bunch of moonflowers. I’ll let you lie down beside me. How does that grab you? Adam? Where’d he go?”

Moonflowers were quite rare - even in the Garden of Eden, but finally, Adam found a patch and picked them eagerly. He also established the very first, land speed record in returning home.

Panting and out of breath, Adam fell to his knees beside Eeeef’s reclining form. He held out the flowers. “Here my sweet - moonflowers.”

Eeeef sat up and took the proffered flowers. She raised them to her nose and closing her eyes she inhaled deeply. “Ah!” she sighed. “such a heavenly scent.”

“Argh!” sighed Adam - for other reasons.

“Well, Adam. I think it’s time for you to lie beside me and speak to me of sweet things.”

Adam came close to fainting. But bravely he fought on and sat on the edge of the stone ledge just inches away from Eeeef.

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Adam and Eve, a humor story by Colin Williams, is one of the most hilarious humorous short stories I have read ever - but for the discerning reader there may be some deeper philosophical insights here too ...