It was only two weeks to Christmas and Jeffrey - of 'Jeffrey's Electrical Goods' shop was extremely pleased with himself at the day's takings. With a last look around the empty shop he stepped outside and carefully locked the door behind him.

 For several moments the shop lay silent save for the odd pinging noise from the overhead strip lights as they cooled down.

 "Hey, Toaster? You awake?" asked an expensive, home-entertainment centre.

 "Hi' Fi. Yes I'm awake. Who can sleep with all the racket and din that's been going on in here today? I've been picked up and handled that many times today my elements are still trembling."

 "That's good isn't?" offered Table-lamp.

 "How can that be good?" snapped Toaster.
 
 "Well it means that you might be bought soon," replied Table-lamp. "I wish people would handle me. Nobody turns me on anymore."

 "Huh! I don't want to be bought!" growled Toaster.

 The kettle, sitting alongside the toaster, hissed indignantly. "Rubbish! Of course you want to be purchased. Do you want to spend the rest of your shelf-life sitting here gathering dust?"

 At the far end of the shop, a computer screen flickered into life. "Hey, Toaster!" yelled the computer, "I thought I explained all this to you before? It's your role in life to be taken from here and stuffed with bread things for you to toast."

 "Oh, leave him be," said Calculator.

 "Excuse me?" asked a timid voice from somewhere behind the main counter.

 "Who is that?" asked Computer.

 "It's only me," replied the voice. "I'm a pencil battery."

 "Where are you?" asked Vacuum Cleaner.

 "In this cute little bubble-pack with my three sisters," explained the battery. "Can I ask you all something?"

&nb align=justify>  "Never mind all of this nonsense," cried Electric Shaver. I have a really, really serious question to you Computer."

 "Buzz away my little beard trimming friend," replied Computer, light heartedly.

 "What happens to us all if nobody buys us? I noticed this morning that all of those portable seedy player things were packed up in boxes and taken away and it made me wonder.... Where do they go?"

 "Well my friend," began Computer, "I'm afraid that they will more than likely be taken back to the factory and recycled into something else."

 "Recycled?" repeated Table-lamp. "What does recycled mean?"

 "You're not very bright are you?" sneered a tall standard lamp from beneath its tasselled shade.

 "As it happens," said Table-lamp, "I can't help being dim, I'm only forty-watts."

 "Well I'm a hundred and twenty!" bragged Standard lamp. "And to tell you the truth it's getting a bit warm. Why does he always leave me switched on?"

 "Phew!" exclaimed the Deluxe Model Fridge. "Hundred and twenty in the shade! I'm glad I'm not you!"

 "Oh, fridge. You're so cool," crooned Battery.

 "But why were they recycled?" insisted the young Shaver.

 "Old stock. Old models. The humans are so unpredictable," explained Computer. "You just never know what will happen and....

 "Utter rubbish!" exclaimed a waste disposal unit. "This re-cycle myth is all made up! It's just to pacify those of you that won't accept that when you are scrapped or thrown onto the dustcart then that's it - the end!"

 "Oh!" shrieked Battery. "You're scaring me now."

 "Do you honestly believe," continued Waste-disposal, "that when Toaster over there; or any of us for that matter, is mangled up in a crusher - that we'll come back in another form as say a... a... an electric torch? Nonsense! sheer and utter nonsense!"

 "Oh, I'm so relieved!" gushed Battery.

 "Huh?" cried Calculator. "You are?"

 "Yes. One of the higher voltage batteries just told me that my sisters and I are rechargeable. When we die we will come back to life. Time and time again! Oh, what a relief!"

 The waste disposal unit made a horrible grating noise before falling silent for the rest of the night.

 "Well that's shut him up," said Computer. "Anyway I was going to say that... Hold on! I've just discovered something. Oh, no!"

 "What? What is it?" chorused the roomful of appliances.
 
 "It's Jeffrey, the owner of this shop. I was just browsing the net and one of his e-mails just shot down the line. Apparently he has had this shop on the market for some months and now it's to be sold to... Oh, oh. Bad news everyone. This shop is going to be converted into a Chinese take-away."

 "So why is that bad news?" asked Table-lamp.

 "Because," answered Computer, "Jeffrey is bound to have a closing down sale. We'll be sold off cheaply, so cheaply that our new owners will not appreciate our true value, but worse than that... Those of us not purchased will probably be sold as scrap or dumped somewhere I shouldn't wonder."

 For a full hour the appliances whined and groaned and complained to each other over their fate. It was Computer that finally brought the room to order.

 "Hey, everyone. Listen up. I've got a plan."

 "A plan of the Chinese take-away, do you mean?" asked Table-lamp.

 "Not exactly, Table, no. And it isn't a brilliant plan either but it's the best I can come up with."
 
 "So what happened to this fabulous World Wide Babbage give me strength!" mumbled Computer. "I was referring to out there in the High Street. How all those people come and go from that pub across the way."

 "Oh, yeah," giggled shaver. "Have you seen what they do up against our window? They..."

 "Never mind that!" interrupted Computer. "What if I managed to switch all the lights on in here and open the shop door. What do you think will happen?"

 "They'll come in here instead of leaning on the window?" asked Shaver.

 "No," said Computer patiently. "They'll help themselves to us. And if I'm not mistaken there won't be a single one of us left behind!"

 "What?" exclaimed the Vacuum Cleaner. "Get us for nothing? Dirt free?"
 
 "Well, yes," responded Computer.

 "But that goes against your earlier argument," said Hi-Fi.

 "I thought you were fast asleep, Fi," said Toaster.

 "I was sort of. Some idiot was messing with my timer controls earlier this afternoon. Oh, I was annoyed. I mean twiddling with my dials and knobs is all very well, and I put with having the remote control stabbed in my face - and why do they do that? What's the point of having a remote control which works at a distant of twelve feet or so only to stab it at yer from two inches away! But when they start fiddling with the timer and they..."

 "Will you shut up!" cried Computer.

 "Ooh! Listen to her," cried a pair of curling tongs.

 "All right. All right," said Computer. "Don't take my advice. See if I care. I'll just go on stand-by mode and leave you all to it. Good bye!"

 "Oh, look," moaned Battery. "He's gone into a sulk now."
  
 "But what if Computer is right?" said Toaster.

 "Yes," said Calculator. "What he said doesn't quite add up but at the end of the day he knows the score."

 While the appliances argued and debated amongst themselves, Computer
realized that to get any sensible advice on the matter he just had to get connected back onto the Web. For several minutes his internal modem beeped and buzzed as he tried to get on-line. But every time he got close, those bullies up the road would block his way. He dodged this way and that but they were faster than he was and he stood no chance. Pausing for a rest he watched with envy the speed and agility of the e-mails as they whizzed back and forth in a blur.

 Computer chuckled to himself. At last he was on the Web. The answer had been simple. He had simply disguised himself as an e-mail - it wasn't perfect but with the vast amount of mail moving about he was overlooked by the bullies.

 Browsing around for a while, Computer decided that if he wanted to find out about humans then the best way would be to talk to them. If he entered a chat-room they would assume he was one of them! To enter a chat-room he needed a nickname; so he chose 'Pute', which he thought was rather witty and original. Now which room should he enter? Bewildered by the vast amount of rooms available, he simply chose one at random.

 For a few moments, Pute just watched the stream of dialogue:

 < six_oh_six > He did it with a what?
 < Teal_Gloss > Rugby ball. At least that's what I think he said. LOL.
   .... Mellow_Dear has just entered the room.

 < Teal_Gloss > Hi Mellow_Dear.
 < JPX63D > Hi Mellow_Dear.
 < Mellow_Dear > Hi everyone.
 < KoolBaybe > Where r u from Mellow_Dear?
 < Mellow_Dear > America
             < KoolBaybe > What part?
  < Mellow_Dear > All of me
 < Teal_Gloss > R lol and lmao mean?
  lol means.... laugh out loud. lmao means.... laugh my
                                             er... ankles off.
             < Pute > That would make it lmaeao
 < Mellow_Dear > Did you say u r from Bosnia Pute?
 < Pute > That's right. Back Of Shop Near Ironing Appliances.
 < KoolBaybe > You're weird.
 < Pute > lol. Hey! I'm getting the hang of this.
  :o)
  ;o)
 < Pute > Well I thought I was. lol
 < KoolBaybe) Hey Pute ur cool
 < Pute > Can I ask you people a question?
            < Mellow_Dear > Sure Pute, go ahead.
 < Pute > I have this problem you see
 < Teal_Gloss > Being a neuter - you sure have. lmao
 < Mellow_Dear > Leave heshe alone Teal. Go on Pute, what were u
                                               saying?
 < Pute > If you were outside an electrical goods shop and you
                                              found the door wide open. What would you do?
 < Teal_Gloss > I know what I'd do. lol
 < Pute > What Teal? What would you......

 
 Computer suddenly found himself disconnected. "What?" he screeched.

 "You're back then," observed Toaster.

  "I sought advice on the internet," said Computer. "And from what I've been told; if we open the doors then we will definitely all find ourselves taken to good homes."

 "Who told you that?" asked Standard-lamp.

 "Er, several humans actually," lied Computer.

 "Really?" added Battery. "They really said that?"

 "Huh huh."

 "I don't know," said Toaster. "I don't think this is a good idea."
 
 "Well while you are thinking about it, I'm going to see if I can open those doors, "said Computer.
 
 "How can you do that?" asked Table-lamp.

 "I'll get inside the computerised alarm system. The lock on the main door can be opened electronically. And as for the lights - piece of cake!"

 "Don't do it!" yelled Toaster. "It isn't right."

 "I'm getting scared," wailed Battery.

 The sound of bolts snapping back filled the room and as the door slowly swung inwards the overhead lights flickered into life.
 
 All the appliances fell silent.
 
 Amazingly it was almost half an hour before the first person walked into the shop.

 Jonathon took several paces into the shop and stared around with bloodshot eyes. Spotting the computer screen flickering in the far corner of the shop he staggered towards it.

 "Good evening," said Computer. "What would you like?"

 Jonathon screwed up his eyes as he tried to focus on minutes later the fire-brigade appeared, along with several police cars.

 Scuffles broke out as the police arrested the burglars, but everything was soon under control. The last person removed from the shop was Jonathon, who insisted that he couldn't leave without his take-away.
 
 The following morning a Fire Inspector arrived to complete his report. It took him a while to work out what had occurred the previous night and as he walked to his car he hook his head in bemused puzzlement.

 "So what caused the fire?" asked the Inspector's assistant, back at the fire station.

 "It's strange," said the Inspector, scratching his head. "This is the first time that I have ever seen a smoke alarm set itself on fire. But what I cannot figure out is... The two little batteries that power the smoke alarm just wouldn't have had enough power to overload themselves and catch fire - but that's exactly what happened!"

The End

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